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It is human nature to be selfish lovers. We want our needs met, our desires filled and we want it all when we want it! However, we are called to also be servant lovers in our marriage. To think of our spouses needs and wants. Even to give sometimes when we don’t feel like giving!
I tend to be a servant at heart. I enjoy helping and serving Ryan. But sometimes I have to remind myself servant hood in marriage also includes sex. That is an interesting way to put it isn’t it? In the book Real Marriage
by Mark and Grace Driscoll that is what they are referring to when they say “selfish lovers” and “servant lovers”. Is it all about your wants and desires or do you serve your spouse sexually?
Ways we are selfish lovers? (pg 165-166)
- Rarely having sex- We have to discuss how often is often enough with the both of us.
- Take too little of time and too little effort- We have to make sure we have passion and interest.
- Only have sex when we both feel like it at the same time – This is where the servant part comes in sometimes.
- Let ourselves go- become undesirable- I try to be aware of this now that I stay home. It’s easy to stay in sweats every day! We need to make ourselves look nice for our husband.
- Commit sexual sabotage- Going to beds at different times or picking a fight before bed would be sabotage. We can not allow ourselves to do that.
- Make your spouse earn sex- We must not keep points or manipulate our husbands with sex.
- Share our beds with children and pets- How are we supposed to have sex when others are in our way? Keep your bed a sanctioned area.
- Have separate beds or bedrooms- We must work together to find sleeping conditions that work for the both of us. Ryan and I sleep with it 65 degrees so Ryan doesn’t get hot and I have a huge blanket.
Reasons why we are selfish lovers (pg 167-169)
Difficult season * Secret sin * Inappropriate sharing with others * Fatigue * Lack of pleasure * Insecurity * Wrong perspective of the body * Boredom
By now you probably have a pretty good idea if you are a selfish lover. If we are being honest with ourselves I think it is safe to say we are all selfish lovers at times and all can work towards being more servant lovers!
I was a bit disappointed in the book because it did such a great job of making me realize that yes I sometimes am a selfish lover, but it did not give me practical advice to help me toward becoming more of a servant lover. Therefore, I took it upon myself to find some marriage and sex experts to give us some ideas! The next post on Wednesday, Oct 16th will be all about how to become a servant lover!
No need to feel down about yourself or your marriage. We all have been selfish lovers! First, we must realize that we are then we must change it! We are on our way to becoming servant lovers!
What is the most common reason you are a selfish lover?
Until Next Time- Truly Love,
Cassie
Hate to admit it, but I needed this reminder. Maybe it is the rainy weather, but as soon as my head hits the pillow I am out. Sex doesn’t even sound like an option. My husband has been sweet, but I need to serve him by taking the initiative. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
I think we have to continually work on this one throughout our marriages. There are just phases we have to work harder than others. You are not alone! On Wednesday there will be some ideas on how to become a servant lover!
It’s hard at the end of the day when you’re both tired and it just gets put on the back burner a little too often! I know it’s very common but that doesn’t make it ok, thanks for the reminder.
So true! Switching things up to morning or mid day fun time on the weekend can help eliminate the “we are too tired”. Trust me- with us both training we know the too tired reason!
Great reminder!! It is far too easy to be a selfish lover and find excuse after excuse but that’s not ok and not what I want for my marriage.
It is one of the many things in our marriages that we have to be intentional about!
What if I want more often than him, I feel hurtful, his excuse is amost of the time is I am tired or my back hurts. He also said that for him is more important to cuddle and talk than sex, how do you deal with that? Am I being selfish here? Please help
Hi Veronika, Thank you for reaching out. This is actually something that is often asked. Where one partner isn’t getting the physical touch they desire. I am currently working on a post about this because people bring it up so much. It sounds like your partners Love Language may be Physical Touch. Are you familiar with the Love Languages? When someones Love Language is Physical Touch it doesn’t mean just sex. I would see if you giving him touches without asking for sex makes him happy. Play with his hair, give him a massage, hold his hand, play footsies, etc. But your partner also gets to meet you with your needs of intimacy in sex. I don’t think that is selfish at all. A lot of it will come to communicating your needs. You both get to work to make the other feel loved in the way they like to be loved! Check out my posts about physical touch- use the search bar on the left side of the screen.