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There are times in our marriages that we want our men to change. I’m not just talking about little habits or things we prefer. When it comes to most of those things I don’t think we should try to change our men, but instead learn to love them with their differences. However, I do believe there are some things that our men may be doing that we can expect him to change. Things that are effecting our marriage and/or family. Things such as: the way they show us love, anger issues or if there are addictions.
It is my opinion, in some of those circumstances it is acceptable to ask your man to change and aid him to become the man that God intended him to be. I know that it can be a hard balance in loving and respecting your man unconditionally as he is struggling to make changes in his life. Ryan and I are going through a period right now where he is now aware his choices effect more than just himself. However, he has been use to making these same types of choices for all of his adult life. We are talking 12+ years. I have been learning to balance understanding his situation, yet standing firm in the boundaries we’ve set. But what do we do as wives when our husband is saying he’s changing, yet we don’t see it or he is not making attempts to change?
I propose there are three very important things we must do if we can’t get our men to change:
1) Have a Serious Conversation– I am talking about sitting down with no distractions. Having a clear idea of what you want to express, ask and intentions you plan to set. Discuss the tough topics. In most cases conversations have already been had so this is the time to make sure everything is out on the table. Things like: how you are feeling, how you think his behaviors are effecting you, the marriage and your family and actions you would like to see happen. Maybe even setting some boundaries or ultimatums.
2) Focus on the Positive Things– Some things we have control over and other things we don’t. Ultimately we can’t control our men, their desire to change or the choices they make. However, we can choose to control what we focus our attention on, where we put our energy, and the thoughts we entertain. When a negative thought comes into our head about our husband we should acknowledge it and dismiss it. Replace those thoughts with uplifting thoughts. Focusing on the negative will only make us bitter and sabotage any chance of making things better. In the beginning it may be tiny little things like he smiled at me this morning or he picked up his own clothes. Keeping our minds full of positive things will make a huge difference in the process. For your guy and for yourself!
3) Pray, Pray, Pray- Again we can’t control what our husband does. And honestly we don’t even know what the greater plans are for our man. We can not even fathom what God has in store for him. We are to pray that He reveals things to our men as He sees fit. We are to pray that His will be done, that He is honored through the whole process. That He aids our guy in his daily choices. We are to pray to seek wisdom in how to handle the situation ourselves. To put people in our paths that can mentor us. We are to connect with Him daily to share our thoughts, questions, frustrations and fears.
Although we can not make our men change we can do these three things. These things ultimately do not make our men change, but instead focused on our needs. These three actions help us wives to care for ourselves in the best way possible as things are hard. They ensure we are focused on actions we can control ourselves.
How do you focus on things you can control when your man won’t change?
Until Next Time- Truly Love,
Cassie
Great list! I’d add one more thing, and that is, gals…don’t lose touch with who YOU are. If your husband won’t change, to avoid a fatal buildup of resentment it’s important to have a part of you that is in tune with the Almighty, as an individual, and nit solely as a partner in a marriage.
Here from Wedded Wednesday…links 1, 2, and 3.
Oh so true Andrew! I have recently been getting a lesson on that myself! I think as women it is natural to go into the supportive role and sometimes that allows us to lose our self. I should do a post about my recent journey to discovering this. Thank you for the great reminder!
Cassie, this is such a relevant topic for most couples, myself included. My husband and I are very open with each other and, I think, we do the three things you’ve suggested for the most part. But what I find is hardest to navigate is the conversation part, especially when there is long-standing bitterness present. Gary and I have communication tools we use to approach this challenge and even then it can go south! So I’d also suggest, for those couples who are really struggling, to pull in a counselor or life-coach to help them walk through the difficult conversations. Great and practical thoughts, as always, my friend!
That is a good point, Beth! Sometimes the conversation is the hardest part!
Hi there! I caught this post earlier this week and loved it! I want to share this with my own readers in a weekly series I run on my blog called “Roll Out The Red Carpet For Bloggers!” I share amazing blog posts from the week that I think my readers show know about! I hope that ok! Thanks for this post! Fabulous!
Danielle,
I am glad you enjoyed this post. Feel free to share it on your post! Let me know when the post is live so I can check it out!
It’s live now! 🙂 http://www.mysnippetsofinspiration.com/roll-out-the-red-carpet-6/
It’s tough when you are in a situation that never seems to change. I often have to discuss with God about how He wants to change Me and how I can be vibrant, alive and connected even if the situation never changes. That’s a toughy, but God does have a will for us as wives and a purpose He wants to accomplish even if our husbands don’t do things the way we want or continue on as they always have been. as you said, we cant change them, but we can allow God to change us.
Exactly, Karen! We can’t change our men. God can change them. We get to be an example though. That we can remember to be. Thank you for stopping by!
Cassie, I couldn’t have said this better myself. For so long I was bitter and had nothing but resentment and frustration toward my husband because I couldn’t see the log in my eye. I stopped focusing my attention on God and put all of my attention toward my husband. So not what He wants for us. And I can honestly say that He opened my eyes to see that my husband wasn’t the only one who needed to change in our marriage. My bitterness combined with my husband’s unwillingness to change was going to tear our family apart. Thankfully, by God’s grace, I’m learning more each day to put my trust in Him and get my needs met through Jesus. Because that’s what he wants for us. As individuals and in our marriage.
I did feel alone in this area though, so I am so thankful I found your post! Thank you so much for having the courage to write this post. You are going to be helping lots of wives with your words. (=
Thank you, Taylor, for stopping by and sharing. It is easy to get sucked into the negativity of our thoughts. And it takes focus and prayer to ensure we don’t stay stuck in them. I am glad that you are drawing closer to God during this time. I know that there is something that He is trying to teach you. And years from now I am sure you will be thankful for that. Until then stay strong in your faith, hope and prayer!