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Emma Merkas is an Australian relationships and marriage writer and the co-founder of Melt: Massage for Couples, a beautiful online video series that teaches couples the secrets to an amazing massage. She has been married to her business partner Denis for five years, together for ten. She is here today to share how to make the most of the Physical Touch Love Language.
My primary Love Language
is Physical Touch. I’m married to an Acts of Service man. Understanding each other took awhile when we first got together, but 10 years on, we’ve found our groove when it comes to our Love Languages.
I now know cooking him a three-course meal will make his heart soar. He knows that I love (nay, need) to cuddle up next to him on the couch while watching movies instead of sitting two chairs over.
The Physical Touch Love Language can be a daunting one for non-native speakers of it. After all, it requires your absolute presence and attention to fulfil.
But don’t despair. Here are four creative ways you can make your sweetie melt, if you know their primary language is Physical Touch. Try one today and see what happens.
1. Spoon them in bed
My husband is up and about very early in the day; I prefer to sleep a little later. This means that on the rare weekend occasion I wake up to find him next to me, I am instantly blissed out.
Next time you have a sleep in with your Physical Touch spouse, cuddle up to them and give them a little nuzzle in the back of their neck for a good 10-15 minutes. You’ll start their day on a high!
2. Try a 15 second kiss
Remember the days when you first got together and you could spend hours making out? I bet you don’t do that much anymore. Kissing is a great way for couples to check in with each other; women in particular use scores of non-verbal cues in a single kiss to assess where their relationship is at. It’s that important.
15 seconds doesn’t sound like a long time, but once you’re in the throes of a kiss you’ll realise it passes more slowly than you think. You can’t just “dead fish” a 15 second kiss. You need to put some effort in.
Take your Physical Touch spouse, press them against a wall for a lingering kiss and watch them swoon.
3. Sit next to them at dinner
Next time you take your spouse out for dinner, find a venue that has cozy booths and sit on the same side of the table, right up next to each other. Here, you can spoil your partner with shoulder-to-shoulder contact, hand-holding and even the occasional cheeky thigh squeeze. Watch them light up as you slide into the booth next to them. I promise.
4. Give them a back rub
Treating your spouse to a lovely 15-minute massage can change their entire day. Sit them down, apply some massage oil and soothe the knots from their shoulders and back with a loving massage. Extra points if you light some candles and play soft music for the occasion!
If you aren’t sure what you should be doing with your hands, you can learn to massage online with Melt: Massage for Couples (full disclosure: I do own this product).
It’s easy once you know how and by the end you’ll be able to get through a good 30 minutes without a sore hand in sight. This is actually an excellent gift for anyone who with a Physical Touch Love Language – many nights of touch-feely entertainment can be had!
What’s your favorite way to “speak” Physical Touch with your spouse?
Note From Cassie: I did a review on the Melt: Massage for Couples and thought it was AMAZING!
My husband’s love language is touch and mine is act of service. We do our best to consciously think how to “speak” it to each other every day. He will make me breakfast and get the baby ready while i get ready for work. He also helps around the house when he can. I make sure to cuddle, hold hands, or rub is head or neck while we watch tv.(he shaves his head) the small things make the biggest difference!
Sounds like you two have it all worked out, Kat! It really is the small things. I think it took my husband and I awhile to really get that… I think he still wonders how just a small hug on the way past in the hallway can mean so much for me! But he happily stops and does it anyway.
The thing about Acts of Service with Physical Touch is that they’re two such opposing Love Languages! It’s hard to be actually touching when you’re doing something for your spouse and vice versa!
I love kisses! And I wish we did more massage!
I love this post, Cassie! I am not a “native-speaker” of this love language. I was raised in a very non-touchy or verbally affectionate family so it’s always been a challenge for me. My husband on the other hand, came from a family that was at the other end of the extreme, so this can be discouraging for him. I need to be more intentional with this and I like the four creative ideas that Emma shared with us. I’ll be sure to watch that video too. Massage is something I’ve been wanting to incorporate more in the affection I show to my husband, so this is perfect timing for me! I’ll be sharing it in the Twittersphere for sure!
We love the videos, Beth! With us both being athletes and our secondary Love Languages being Physical Touch it is great for us. I like the format of the videos! They just came out with some additional videos as well.
FYI, the link to the massage instruction isn’t working, Cassie. Thanks again for your many practical resources!
Thank you for letting me know, Beth. It is fixed now!
These are fantastic suggestions, and would be the perfect solution for someone looking to connect with a physical touch person, but what happens when the physical touch person is you?! I have a very non-touchy-feely ‘acts of service’ hubby, and it can be very frustrating to ask for cuddles and kisses or affection knowing how unnatural that feels to him. He just really does not enjoy those things! (which, let’s face, kind of takes all the fun out of it, even if he’s trying to be loving). How do you bridge the gap?
Hi There Kate,
Very good question! The Love Languages are just like any other foreign language- it takes practice to start to feel comfortable with it. So he has to be willing to practice Physical Touch for it to become easier and more enjoyable to him. But that is on his end which you can’t make him do. We can only control ourselves. My first question is does he know your Love Language? I would say having a conversation about how Physical Touch helps you to feel loved is a good place to start. If you two do a good job of communicating your needs and his reservation there should be some kind of resolve about attempting some Physical Touch even if it feels a bit awkward (for the both of you) at first. Second, I would say continue to do small things like kissing when leaving/returning home, hugs, holding hands, patting his shoulder, run your hand across his back as you pass, etc. These small things will give you a tiny bit of that Physical Touch you crave and hopefully help your guy not feel so awkward about it. But in the end you feel loved by HIM GIVING IT TO YOU. That ultimately is going to come down to him making the effort even if it is hard or weird at first. But he has to know your needs and desires so make sure a constructive conversation is had about this topic. Feel free to email me at TrueAgapeOnline@gmail.com if you would like to chat privately further about this. I know it is a hard place to be in, but taking steps forward for your marriage is always worth it!
Thank you so much! I feel like you and I share a brain, because this list is dead on! Is there an article similar to this in reverse: how you speak to your husband since he is Acts of Service? I am Touch and my future husband is Service, so since I am not a native speaker, I struggle with that sometimes.
Hi There Rachael!
I am glad you can relate to this post so well! My husband and I rank low as far as Acts of Service for our Love Languages but I do have a few posts about it. Here are two: https://www.trueagape.net/2014/01/4-ways-to-love-using-acts-of-service/ and https://www.trueagape.net/2015/01/little-ways-to-speak-acts-of-service/
Hope that helps!
My husband’s primary love language is acts of service (it is LAST on my list!!) while mine are touch and words. We both had to learn to speak and HEAR the other person’s language. He now hugs, kisses, cuddles, holds hands because he knows how much they mean to me. Even something simple like touching my shoulder as walks by matter! It isn’t so much one thing, but all the little ones which make them special. After 26 years, he doesn’t find me quite so unusual! LOL
This is great, Diane! I am so glad you two have figured out a way to make it work! It does take practice!
What do you do when your SO knows that touch is your love language and they don’t want to touch you?
Hi John,
Thank you for reaching out and asking! There are many people who ask this question. One of two things are typically the issue. One is that the non physical touch person thinks that anytime they touch the physical touch person that it is going to lead to sex. They don’t understand that touch could just be touch and it could be enjoyed without sex. Second, is that the non physical touch person has some hang up with physical touch. This could be that their family did not show love in this way, or maybe they were abused or have unhealthy relationship with touch in the past. It could be really helpful to have an open, honest conversation about it. Granted it only will be as helpful as the other person shares. If your partner isn’t up for digging deep you can try our physical touch challenge. I created it for exact instances like this. It is a nonthreatening way to incorporate physical touch slowly and safely.